I have been thinking a lot about the passage of life and death. As I sit here at my computer in the kitchen, my mom is a mere 30 feet away from me in a hospital bed in her room, living out the last days of her life. I go in every 10-15 minutes and check on her, help her get the necessary things for living and breathing (water, a bit of food) and try to stimulate her with some light conversation or maybe some music or tv. Every day is different. Yesterday was better than two days ago, today, not as good as yesterday. I remember the strong, vibrant, beautiful woman I have known for nearly 50 years, and wonder about how our bodies decay and then move on to become part of another world. There is no fear here, in fact, there is great peace. ("Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27.) But there is sadness that I won't have her sweet smile and gentle southern drawl to see and hear. Yet, I long for her to transcend this life and be whole again -- it hurts to see her in this weakened, descimated shell. I cry sometimes, I laugh with her, I remember.
Most of the rest of my life is put on hold. I haven't riden or even scratched my horse for almost a week. My children feed and clean for me, but other things are wasting away outside and I need to care for those things too. I need to exercise all these horses. I need to water my plants. I need to make sure there is enough feed stored out there for all my critters. Other than that, I just need to be here. If she lasts another week, or two or even three, I need to take this time to be here for her. I know in my heart that some down time is ok for the horses, but I feel guilty about not having the energy to at least go out and be with my beloved mare -- both for her and for me. But sometimes you just have to take the course laid out for you and try and not get distracted by what is left undone. This is my course for now.
As both a child and a parent (and grandparent), I see the course of life laid out. Here we are at this moment. We have no other moment and we will only be here a limited time. It seemed so endless when I was younger. Remember to love so much, give so much, enjoy so much of that life while we have it.